i want to live deliberately

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately…. I wanted to live deep and suck out all of the marrow of life…”  This was written in Walden; or Life in the Woods by Thoreau in the 1850’s after his retreat.  He was at a point in his life when his life lacked true meaning.  He was curious and stagnant at the same time.  I missed a plane out of Boston coming back from Damariscotta, Maine and was lucky to spend one magical night as the sun set in the west and glinted over the water through the forest.  I didn’t take a walk in the woods.  Walden, while magical is very developed now.  Walking paths and a little beach along with houses now take the place of Thoreau’s small cabin but some of the mystique was real.

Living deliberately and simply was swallowed by expectations of life and algorithms.  I remember life when I owned my narrative.  At least I think I do.  I moved.  I moved with some purpose.  Technology has become my downfall.  It controls my movements.  It knows how I thought at one time.  It now tells me how to think.  This is real.  How do I find purpose?  I have found it.  That’s the easy part.

As I reflect on the past 366 days without Jacob, what have I done to change the way I live?  I must thank Jacob for this.  He lived 7,619 days, 17 hours, and 5 minutes.  He spent very little time without purpose.  He was able to work, study and be social.  He wanted for nothing.  He lived without regret.  My biggest “change” has been having an awareness of how I want to live the rest of my life. 

I do live with regret.  It’s less about my actions during my addiction.  My kids and wife know me.  Ana wants chooses to hang out with me.  Jacob sought my advice and comfort.  Naomi even laughs at SOME of my jokes.  My regret comes from not sucking the marrow out of life daily.  Over the next few days, I will be stating my 2022 goals.  2021 was all about one thing: survival.  We are learning how to live our collective best life without Jacob in the present.

Jacob made it clear to Ana, Naomi, and me that he does not want in survival mode forever.  He said it and wrote is.  He was DELIBERATE in that ACTION before he died.  So, this week, I will state my goals for the upcoming year.  I will publicly state some of these goals.  Other goals will be shared only with my family and close friends.  2022 will be primarily focused on body, mind, and business/foundation with an emphasis on my body.  Nothing can be accomplished if I am not healthy.  I have a purpose, it’s time to act with it too!

One response to “i want to live deliberately”

  1. Kathy Armstrong Lehman Avatar
    Kathy Armstrong Lehman

    It is a tough battle but, “one day at a time”!

    Love & Peace, Kathy Lehman


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