I hope something is happening

Park near our house. The Bay is in the background

I came down to Florida the day before Thanksgiving.  I’ve been hosting Thanksgiving (or going to MIL) for as long as I can remember.  My in-laws don’t like traveling to CLE in the cold so we made changes to tradition.  Since Jacob’s diagnosis tradition has been damned.  When the idea of coming down here was brought to me, I looked at cost of 3-5 days in FL, and logistics of our dog and renting a car, getting a peak time hotel, flying my daughter down, etc.  Naomi and I decided to rent a place for a month to give Florida a try.  The weather and area in which we have rented, are optimal. 

Phoebe loving the weather and the parks

I last weighed in over 390 lbs.  I am sure Lori knows the exact number.  I guesstimate an additional 10 lbs. were added over Thanksgiving.  My mobility has been at an all-time low.  Overeating combined with lack of movement is a recipe for disaster.  The other night, I saw a glimpse into my future.  The actual event is not one I will share but it had a profound effect on me. 

On Monday morning I was forced to walk my dog.  This, of course, spoken like a true man.  Naomi and Ana were at Disney World, and I actually had to contribute to taking care of a dog that I wanted.  I am really good at playing a victim.  Something happened, and I went on TT to make sure I was accountable.  I walked for three days straight and here is a quick recap. 

Day One:

  • Monday, 12/5 AM walk
  • Distance: Estimated .7 miles (Did not have on a watch)
  • Difficulty: 9.4/10
  • Feeling During: Tons of Pain in my knees and my thighs were locking up
  • Feeling After: Exhausted to the point of needing 30-minute nap
  • Feeling as day went on-Much the same.
  • Food intake (QTY and quality): 2.6/10 (Ten is healthiest)
  • Sleep- Very interrupted.
  • Anxiety-High

Day Two

  • Tuesday 12/6 AM walk
  • Distance: Estimated .9 miles (No watch)
  • Difficulty: 9.6/10
  • Feeling During: I got passed a comfort level away from the house and panicked
  • Feeling After: Much more Tired and ended up sleeping for 45 minutes
  • Food Intake: 6.9/10.  Ate 3 meals and had 1 good snack and 1 bad one
  • Feeling as day went on:  good, workout sore.  Aches in back and legs but I felt really good
  • Sleep- Went to bed at 9:30 and slept most of the night.  One “potty” break which is almost a record for me
  • Anxiety-Low

Day Three

  • Wednesday 12/7 AM walk
  • Distance .5 miles (found my watch!)
  • Difficulty 6.4/10
  • Feeling During: Mentally focused and very sore
  • Feeling After: Euphoric and energized.  NO NAP!
  • Food intake: TBD.  So far so good
  • Feeling throughout day: I feel really good.  My lower back, hamstrings, and rest of my body is sore, which is to be expected

The only change I am conscientiously trying to make right now is moving.  This is STEP ONE of a long process.  I have an appointment with a nutritionist regarding my diet which I know is most of this change.  I am not naïve to think I can eat badly and survive.

To those who struggle with eating, I am with you.  Most of us know about every diet and have considered surgery.  I’ve watched the effects that food disorders have had no people I love.  I’ve looked, with regret, into the eyes of those who love me.  It’s a deep, dark pain.  I’ve stared into a mirror more than once in HATE for the person staring back.  It’s lonely. 

I wrote my first blog with a promise to use this medium in a positive way.  I sought a place to deal with grief, addiction, and self-betterment.  It is time I pivot more toward my goal of self-care through health-care. 

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