As Told by Brandt

Here are some questions I am asked regularly:

1. Why do you talk so much about your addiction?
2. Why do you put your life on the internet?  Shouldn’t some things stay sacred
3. Why do you need to curse so much?
4. What are you trying to accomplish with your blogs?
5. Do you know the effects your blogs (its contents) have on the rest of your family and friends?

I will answer these in order.  Why do I talk about my addiction?  I am nearing 18 years of sobriety.  I couldn’t put together a week of sobriety in the early 2000’s.  It took me getting sober to learn that my alcoholism and drug addiction was not a character flaw.  I wasn’t a “loser.”  I had a disease that required me learn about my character flaws and get honest with myself.  I had to LEARN how to accept life as it is.  I learned to understand the serenity prayer and understand the difference between things I can and cannot control.  This has made all the difference.

I write about my addiction for two main reasons.  Writing helps me process the past, the present, and the future.  It allows me to slow down and take an accurate account of my life as it presents itself.  The process of understanding doesn’t come quickly.  Understanding is only accessible after laying out initial thoughts, possible causes and effects, and my role in the problem.  The other reason I talk freely about addiction is that it helps those who struggle.  Addiction of any kind is insidious by nature.  Nobody understands an addict more than another addict.  Doctors can study and try and create magic pills but only an addict can relate to another effectively.  I tell my stories to inspire those who still suffer. 

This past weekend, three kids lost their father to the disease of addiction.  I am not looking for sympathy, as I don’t need it.  They do.  Jon was a nice person.  He wanted, do much, to get better.  My last interaction with him was in March.  He wrote to me about my blogs and admired my fortitude.  I don’t consider what I have as fortitude.  I got very lucky and learned how to listen to people in sobriety.  Jon’s problem wasn’t one of indifference.  He loved his kids.  He wasn’t selfish.  He was sick.  I tell my story in hopes that one person will know that he/she/they are not alone.  I tell my story because it matters.  Addicts in recovery represent hope.  In my, nearly, 18 years of sobriety I’ve met thousands of people who were forgotten.  I met thousands who carry the message.  I’ve also met and loved many people who died.  People whose disease won.  

Why do I curse?  I have no fucking clue.  Seriously, language is NOT profane.  Actions are offensive.  To me, trying to overthrow the government and control women’s bodies is far more offensive than kneeling during a song or dropping an “F” bomb. That’s me.  If you don’t like, don’t read.  Just know that if you need anything, I am here!

What am I trying to accomplish with my blogs?  I said some of it already.  I hope to send a message to those who have lost hope.  I also hope to discover answers to what makes me, me.  I’ve struggled my entire life under a blanket of fear and uncertainty.  I’m not unique and the more doors I open, this truth becomes evident.  My blogs have allowed me to speak to people I don’t even know. They’ve allowed me to reconnect with some amazing people.  Here’s an example:  I have been friends with a girl since junior high school.  Her mom, Sandy D, has been extremely supportive.  She’s reached out several times and even showed up to watch a few weirdos perform a play a few weeks ago.  We don’t run in the same circles, yet knowing Mrs. H (don’t think I’ve ever called her that) is there provides immense security and love for me. 

Do I know the effect my blogs have on my family?  Yes.  I have been as mindful as possible.  I’ve gone too far at times.  Naomi and Ana have been the biggest support to me, and I to them.  I love them.  I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s.  Parents weren’t around for support in the way we are today.  My father put on a suit, carried a briefcase, and appeared to hate his job.  My mother raised us, while also working.  She is one tough lady.  I write to let my Ana, Abby, Ellie, Rachel, Erin, Kyle, Allison, Molly, Mac, Tay Tay, Schuyler, Kendie, Lainey, and Maddie know that I always have their back. Nothing is off limits and I pass no judgments.

I know I will not resonate with everyone.  I know that my views aren’t shared by people who love me.  That’s okay.  Thanks for reading. 

BHHB

Note:  I am unsure if there will be a Go Fund Me for Jon’s kids.  If so, I will pass that info along through Facebook.  As stated, Jon and I weren’t close.  I am not in need of “thoughts and prayers.”  His family needs that!