As Told by Brandt

Blogging back-to-back days is rare for me for many reasons (disclaimer, I wrote most of this on 7/6).  The top reason is the depletion of energy.  Writing isn’t easy.  It requires me to dig deep into my soul and reveal more than I want.  So, why do I do it?  It’s my outlet.  It’s my release of pain and anxiety.  While many people exercise to release stored negative energy, I write.  It offers me the freedom to expel all my pain and uncertainty in a healthy way.  My writing styles vary from technical and organized to garrulous and off-topic.  Yesterday, I was the latter.

Revealing my feelings has never been an issue with me.  I’m unwavering, unapologetic, and typically correct.  Just go with me on the last one.  I have always written, whether it was fiction, non-fiction, social consciousness, or somewhere in an adjacent realm.  Yesterday, I let loose.  It’s what I needed to say at the time.  I am hurt and angered by so much happening.  There are also matters happening directly in my life that seem overwhelming.  Grief magnifies everything.  The “matters” aren’t health related or insurmountable.  As I reflect on the grand scope of my life, these are minor annoyances against a large landscape.

When I set out to blog my experiences, two main topics were paramount:  Grief and Health.  How do I navigate my world with this grief?  How do my actions reflect healthy living?  If my actions are not healthy, as they relate to food and exercise, why not?  This is the crux of it.  How do I process these feelings and become the healthiest version of Brandt?  I got away from that yesterday.  I am not sorry that I posed the blog.  Nothing I said was incorrect.  Nothing I said lacked empathy for my fellow person.  I veered away from my mission.  Stating fault and in the world without looking at myself is useless. 

So, let’s check in on me:

• What is my current level of grief?
  • 7.2 July 4^th of was very tough for me.  I don’t speak for ANYONE else in my family.  These are my experiences.  I was sad for a multitude of reasons. 
    • I have incredible family time built around the 4^th.  Nights at LFCC watching the fireworks with Naomi, the kids, and Poppa and Grandma. 
    • Direction things are heading here built up to a panic and that is NOT healthy for me
• What is the level of anxiety?
  • 8.9 We leave for Israel in a week and I’m nervous about not being in healthy position to enjoy it. 
  • I don’t want to make everyone else’s trip suffer because of my lack of mobility
  • The thought of making this trip without Jacob.  I sat at CCF with Jacob and our Rabbi and made a commitment to one another that we’d all pray together at the Western Wall.
  • Overall generalized anxiety of being enclosed in a plane for 12 hours
• My ability to stay present
  • 4.3 This is so important.  I need to be where my feet are.  Keep staying there!
• Eating Incomplete
• Exercise Incomplete

So, this is an honest look of where I am.  I didn’t write more about food and exercise.  I am doing some pretty cool things around both and don’t want to reveal everything yet.