If you’re friends with Ben, don’t miss a workout. I mean it. DON’T. EVER. MISS. A. WORKOUT. Last night, I sent a text to Ben that I wouldn’t be making our 6AM workout. He showed up to my office in full fire. I didn’t know the dude had feelings. I thought he just went to the Tesla charging stations for electric shock charges. My life has followed a path that started at an early age: Self-Sabotage. I’ve battled trauma and addiction. Is the addiction a result of trauma or mutually coexistent?
I got sober in 2004 when I entered a 12-step program. The steps are interesting, in there is a clear order. Writing about the steps is also interesting, as well, for fear of breaking any code of ethics. However, for sake of this blog, I will discuss one step. The 4th step states, “Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.” I did this in 2004. Since then, I haven’t. There are some debates on whether this is necessary to repeat. There is another step that covers a daily inventory. Regardless, it’s clear this is necessary.
Ben was hot. I sat in my chair and absorbed the lashing. I work in a coworking space. The weed company across the hall was having meetings. They must have been amused. I felt as if I was back on the ice and having a coach scream at me for missing an assignment. Then he asked, somewhat rhetorically, “Will you fucking give yourself permission to be happy? Will you give yourself permission to be skinny?” He wasn’t looking for a reply, knowing this had to marinate.
I fell right back on my own excuses. My knees hurt. They do. I’m trying to figure out why the cemetery took Jacob’s pail of stones. I’m working and doing the run. I’m stressed about the race and people not signing up (shameless plug…SIGN UP). Ben’s reply was flawless: “who cares? It’s all bullshit. Do you think Jacob gives a fuck about stones on a grave or his dad being happy and healthy?” During our dialogue, the phone rang. I started to laugh and answered on speaker phone. It was the Red Cross asking me for another platelet donation. Even Ben laughed. Once again, I’m worrying more about cancer patients than I am myself.
We discussed the need for continued EMDR and possibly hypnosis. Something to get to the root of my self-sabotage. What makes me tik? Better yet, what prevents the tik? I reached out to a couple of therapists who handle these disciplines. EMDR helped me tremendously when Jacob died. EMDR along with regular grief therapy have helped. I need more.
We examined matters that occupy my actions. Here’s a short list: Family, Extended family, friends, house projects, money, work, foundation, socializing, social media, exercise, grief, depression, anxiety, sleep, platelet donation, sobriety, eating, blogging, constant worry about the medical business, weight loss/bariatric surgery, television, theater, and much more. I then identified the MOST important areas to concentrate. Feelings are a byproduct of action, for the most part.
What is most important to me right now? All of this will have to have to be more granular but I’m just laying the foundation.
- Sobriety. It’s not lip service. Without it, I have nothing.
- Food. I am eating KETO and need to ONLY eat Keto. Breaks from Keto are going to kill me.
- Work. Unless someone wants to give me $100M, I need to work.
- Family. What does this mean to me? It means, being present with my family emotionally and physically.
- House Projects. I am not handy, but I can clean and simplify. My house has never been a priority. I can see, now, more than ever, the effect chaotic spaces have on our anxiety.
- The Foundation- I have jumped in with full passion. I can delegate more after the run.
- Sleep-USE THE MACHINE!!!! 10PM bedtimes are the new plan.
- Exercise/Mental Health- These are important. The work with EMDR and processing my trauma is paramount.
I’ve made plans before. This isn’t new. My Modus Operandi is predictable: Plan, Execute, hit a roadblock, take a break, take a longer break, give up, get even more depressed, isolate from people, repeat. I am at a tipping point. It’s time to really look at the cause and clear it. More to come!