I’ve been living in the dark since Jacob died. I can say things like “passed” and “transitioned” but they seem far too benign. This darkness envelopes my soul like a suffocating blanket. So how do I turn this darkness into gray? How do I open the dark cracks and allow light to enter? I don’t know. Empirically, I know. I know 2+2=4. The soul, however, doesn’t live in the empirical. I am searching to find acceptance. My favorite quote about acceptance is one that I fight daily. “I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.” This is the secret recipe to my happiness. How do I get there? I don’t know. “When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.” How do I empower myself with that choice?
I just did. I made the following “choices” today. I got out of bed. I showered. I put on clean clothes. I brushed my teeth. I ate a healthy breakfast. I took care of my home responsibilities before leaving the house. I am working. I am writing. I am drinking water along with my coffee. I even took time for a six-minute Headspace beginner meditation. Meditation has always been my excuse to nap. I feel slightly better. I am on a deeply personal and soul-searching odyssey to find myself. For once, it’s not about some grandiose, selfish journey. I do because I’m looking to move my darkness to gray. There isn’t a magic potion, and I am finally accepting of that fact.
I left my last blog asking the question of how to take the first step. The first step is my choice. I got sober because I decided to not drink for one day. That’s it. It was simply impossible. The simplicity was in the time length. The impossibility was that I had no idea I could take ONE DAY and turn it into 6,231. My sobriety isn’t an accident. It came from a series of seemingly small decisions to abstain from alcohol daily. My biggest enemy today is me. I accept my alcoholism, but I accept my food addiction. Each positive decision I make today, allows me to have a chance tomorrow. So, what’s the first steps toward a better, healthier me? Making the next healthy decision.
As I glance back at the Brandt Butze Roadmap to darkness, I see the crux. It’s that need for instant gratification. I have spent too much time concentrating on the woes of my world without looking at the real problem. It’s always me. I see it now. I’m not defective. I’m not damaged. My health is my choice. Jacob’s health wasn’t and that is hard for me. My happiness is measured by a series of healthy decisions. My mantra today is to make one healthy decision. I cannot make a second healthy choice until I take the first! I control my own narrative.
Tomorrow’s blog: Great Question