What Consequences?

Justice Rebecca Dallet’s Investiture Circa 2018

Addiction is interesting.  It’s one of few things that doesn’t see or care about consequence.  For years now, I’ve uttered the words, “my name is Brandt Butze and I’m an alcoholic” in many church basements.  I have an addiction to excess and indulgence.  My issues have long transcended alcohol.  There are very few things unhealthy I didn’t overdo. I have followed “the steps” of success.

For those unfamiliar the step process, here it is in a nutshell. 

  • Steps 1-3 Admit I have a problem and that I don’t run the show
  • Steps 4-9 Clean house, turn my will to another power than me and reconcile former sins
  • Steps 10-12 Keep taking inventory, meditate and pass along the gift so freely given to me

This sounds very cliché, but it’s that easy.  The ONLY thing that should make an addict different than anyone else is the first step.  It’s the admittance of addiction and the powerlessness of said addiction.  That’s it.  Most people who aim to do well in this work, actively practice some form of the 12 steps without the attribution.  This leads me to an addiction I’ve not managed to overcome.  I am a food addict.

There are several food addiction 12 step programs.  I’ve tried all or most and have had the same realization.  My bottom has not yet hit.  So, what will it take for this to happen?  I already know the answer to this question.  For most (if not all) addictions, bottom is death.  I know you as do my friends and family.  I made a promise to my son, daughter, wife, siblings, parents, friends and many more.  I meant (and mean) every single promise. What is it that makes me choose the food addiction?  I don’t know. 

I have 17 years sober.  A lot of “life and death” has happened around me.  Through it all, my sobriety has remained unfettered.  It’s the bricks in which I build my home.  I want with my soul to be able to tell my sweet Jacob that “daddy did it” and I’m under 200 lbs.  Unfortunately, for addicts, rarely, if ever, conquer addictions because of consequences.  The urge to get “high” is too strong, regardless of form.  It’s a sad truth.  We are selfish and, just like, our reason why needs to be somewhat selfish too. 

This blog is dedicated to those who struggle.  The only way I know how to heal is to dissect my why.  My goal is to turn this new blog into something special and start a journey to health and happiness.  This is the only way I know.  I’m still undecided if future posts will go to Facebook.  Please subscribe to see what happens next. There are going to be days, like today, when I don’t edit. There will be days when I don’t have it. There will be days that are so soul sucking that I won’t know what to do. I am looking for something deep within. I am looking for that boy who had promise and hope. Stay with me and hopefully, we will find something about us.

Tomorrow’s blog-The physical toll of being this heavy along with updated weight.  I leave you with words from Shaker High School principal, Eric Juuli: “Have a good day or a bad one.  Either way, the decision is entirely up to you.

-Brandt Butze

11/4/2021

17 responses to “What Consequences?”

  1. I am in awe of how you are able to put your struggles into a clear, concise way that all are able to try to understand your demons. It is a reminder that everyone deals with shit and there are helpful ways to address it!❤️

    Like

  2. I just love this!! It is so real. Real is scarce these days.
    I will stay tuned and keep you in my prayers and heart.

    Like

  3. Your goodness is so evident. You write from your heart and exhibit such clarity and self understanding. Your openness is a gift.

    Like

  4. I admire your honesty, vulnerability, thoughtfulness, writing, and ability to connect. So many people have your back in this and everything.

    Like

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